Well, Kevin and I finally have some help! His doctor made arrangements for Hospice to come in and help us. It was very sad and hard to accept this. In fact, on Monday when the woman was supposed to come, I cancelled it because I felt sick to my stomach. I realize now that I was simply trying to postpone having to deal with it. I usually deal with things head on, but this time I just couldn't. Lynn Austin was the initial contact and she was very kind and understanding of what I did and the heartbreak I felt. She told me it was not unusual to do this. Naturally, me being myself, I felt guilty about it but she comforted me and let me know I was not alone in my reaction.
I think watching someone you love in pain has to be the hardest thing a person has to do. My Dad is also going though major life changes and now has had to accept that he is going to lose his other leg. I am very proud of my Mom and how she is handling this. And my Dad, too. I can't imagine coping with that but you do what you have to do to stay alive. Life will be different, but there will still be life!
Kevin and I have often discussed quality of life issues. He, for one, would not be able to make the decisions that my father has had to. I know that Kevin would choose death over amputation and that is each person's individual choice. Myself...I'm pretty sure I would fight to live like my dad is. Plus, he'll have a cool motorized chair to buzz around the neighborhood in! I know that my father will make the absolute best of what he has been dealt and so will my mom.
People have often said that I am a strong person. Well, who do you think I got it from? My mother and father.
I am still having difficulties with our decision. Hospice made arrangements for some items that will help Kevin and to be honest, I did not react well to them yesterday. For one thing, they showed up without calling and luckily Sandy was here while I was at work. I know they are things that we will need down the road but it pissed me off. But, as I tell myself-this isn't about me is it? So shut up and buck up.
Oh yes, I smack myself around on a regular basis. I guess I figure it's better I do it than wait for someone else to. Brilliant theory, I know.